


Appointments

by youregonnabefine



Category: The Alienist (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Abuse, Psychologists & Psychiatrists, Slow Burn, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-31
Updated: 2019-06-02
Packaged: 2020-03-30 03:44:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19034098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youregonnabefine/pseuds/youregonnabefine
Summary: A year after taking him in as a foster, John Moore has finally decided to bring his son Joseph to see a psychiatrist. He's not convinced it's a good idea, and meeting Dr. Laszlo Kreizler doesn't put him any more at ease, but he hopes the many stressful appointments can bring some healing to Joseph, and maybe even to himself.Some tags dont apply yet, rating subject to change.





	1. Appointment 1

The somewhat stale air of the meticulously clean waiting area had started to dry out the back of John Moore's throat. He swallowed, barely, and felt the cushioned seat beside him begin to rattle. Out of the corner of his eye John cast a glance over at his son, Joseph, who was staring intensely at a point in the distance where the wall met the floorboards, bouncing his knee nervously, and rotating his fidget cube around in his left hand. John tucked his own hand under his leg to prevent himself from automatically placing a comforting touch on the boy's shoulder - an act which, while well intended, would not be well received. 

Joseph had been in his life for almost a year now and there wasn't a day where John was not actively fighting the urge to show the boy some form of physical affection. He had suffered so much and come so far, and John often found his words inadequate to express how proud he was of his son. And that was really why they were here, if John was being honest with himself. Joseph had adjusted remarkably well to life with John and his grandmother, but he continued to refuse any form of physical contact from either of them. 

John tried to convince himself that this was not a selfish reason to be sitting in a psychiatrist's waiting room with his foster son at three in the afternoon. Doctor Laszlo Kreisler came highly recommended from Joseph's social worker, who had referred a few children to his care over the years, though she had warned John that the doctor might come across a bit prickly at first. John believed that Joseph, patient and trusting in spite of everything, would give the man a chance. 

John's worries bounced back and forth in his head. Perhaps it was unnecessary that John even be asking this of Joseph, the boy seemed perfectly content with his life, and it was only John who felt dissatisfied. Christ, maybe he was the one who needed a doctor.

Just as these self-damning thoughts caused John to sink low into the cushion of his chair, the grand wooden framed door facing the waiting area swept open, revealing a neatly groomed middle-aged man with a handsome beard and a simple grey suit. John swallowed, standing to shake the man’s hand (and possibly instinctively stepping protectively between him and his son). 

“John Moore,” John offered, grasping the doctor’s hand with a firm grip.

“Laszlo Kriseler. And this must be young Joseph,” Kreizler smiled, nodding to the boy who had come to stand at John’s side. 

“Hello,” Joseph offered.

“It’s good to meet you.” John studied the doctor’s face as he shook his son’s hand. There was something in his eyes that John couldn’t determine if he found threatening or reassuring. 

Dr. Kreizler opened the door wider and motioned for Joseph to pass by him. “Why don’t you come inside and make yourself comfortable. There’s some water and fruit on the table, please help yourself if you’d like. I’m just going to be a minute.”  
Joseph looked to John, and John nodded encouragingly for the boy to do as he was told. “I’ll see you in a bit, bud.”

As Joseph cautiously stepped into the room, Dr. Kreizler nodded for John to follow him a few steps down the hallway, intentionally leaving the door open so Joseph could come find them if he needed. 

“I understand this is Joseph’s first time visiting a psychiatrist since he’s been in your care,” the doctor spoke once they were sufficiently out of hearing range.

“Yes that’s correct,” John found it hard to meet the doctor’s intense gaze, “He hadn’t seen one at all before and we thought it might be too much for him all at once… that is, we wanted to give him time to adjust to being with us first before introducing him to a possibly re-traumatizing experience.”

“I have no intention of traumatizing the boy, Mr. Moore.” The doctor folded his arms across his chest. “If anything by delaying his treatment you might have let pre-existing traumas fester longer than necessary.”

John winced. He knew. He knew he was being selfish, whether it was selfish to hold off on seeing a doctor or selfish to bring Joseph to the doctor for something that only mattered to John, he knew he was fucking it up. 

“Today will be purely introductory. My aim is to create a safe space for the boy to express himself, and to build some trust between us. If you would like to speak to him about what we discuss after our session today I fully encourage it, though I caution that many children are less willing to share than their parents might hope. It would be best if we could meet sometime later this week to discuss more of Joseph’s background, and what his home life is like now, as well as my own practices. Please see my assistant Stevie to set it up.”

John nodded. “Thank you doctor.”

Kreizler nodded his response and returned to the office space, shutting the door quietly behind him. 

John let his weight fall against the cold wall behind him. He checked his phone - this would be a quick half-hour session. He would set up the meeting with Stevie and then maybe have time to swing by the 7-Eleven two blocks over to grab a slushie for himself and Joseph. He hoped bribing him with sugar would give him the confidence to have an honest chat.

 

-

 

John pulled the car to a stop and flicked on the turn signal. 

"I think it would be good for us to chat about how things went," he finally volunteered.

Joseph held his gaze out the passenger window, but he nodded his agreement.

"So, I guess, how did things go?" John winced. The words were out there, he couldn't take them back, time to find out what a terrible dad he was for putting his son through this. 

"It was alright." Joseph took a sip from the straw in his bright red slushie. "Doctor's nice."

Relief washed over John's entire body, he let a hand fall casually from the wheel while rolling out some of the tension in his shoulders. 

"I'm glad you felt comfortable with him."

Joseph nodded.

"Do you think it will be good for you to keep seeing him?" John posed after a beat of silence.

Joseph shrugged "If you think so."

"I do." John glanced to his son's hand, resting plainly on the seat. Instead of giving it an encouraging squeeze, he returned his own hand to the steering wheel.

The light turned green and John brought the car forward, turning onto a suburban street. 

"I just wanted to say…" John started, but could not finish the statement. I'm proud of you. 

Joseph said nothing, instead swirling the straw around the plastic cup in his lap.

"I just wanted to say, I have a meeting set up with the doctor to talk more about this setup. It's something he requested and you should be confident that we'll be fully respectful of your privacy." John frowne 

"Okay, thanks." Joseph said, retrieving his backpack from the backseat and heading into the house.

John sat for a moment longer, his hands falling off the wheel and into his lap, his whole body heavy with doubt.


	2. Appointment 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: John and Laszlo discuss self harm/suicidal behavior in vague terms, while speaking theoretically

"Am I doing the right thing?"

John removed the lid from his container of pomade and rubbed the substance over his fingers.

"What do you mean?" Came Sarah's reply from the speaker on John's phone. 

John began to smooth the pomade into his wavy hair.

"Everyone I talk to… they convince me that I'm fucking up. All for different reasons, though."

"You're not fucking up, John." Sarah said sternly. "You're doing what's best for Joseph. And no one knows what's best for Joseph more than you, you're his father."

"Not his--"

"You're his father, John. He calls you 'dad', doesn't he?"

John studied his reflection in the mirror. 

"Yeah."

There was a moment of pause between them as John rinsed his hands. When he turned off the tap he checked the time.

"Sarah I've gotta go, I'm meeting the doctor for a chat about how this is all going to work. I'll talk to you later. "

"John Moore," Sarah started, before John could hang up, "you are a smart, caring, and anxiety-riddled but compassionate man, and you are doing right by your son." 

The words wrapped around John warmly and he felt something grow thick in his throat. He nodded and managed a meek "Thank you, Sarah."

"Have a good meeting."

 

-

 

“John, have a seat.” The doctor motioned to the leather chair across the desk from his own. 

John settled into the seat, maintaining a perfectly upright posture. “Thank you, doctor.”

The doctor wasted no time getting to business. “I have about half an hour, I thought today I might tell you about how I run things and what you can expect from my appointments with your son. We can also discuss your goals for Joseph as well as your history with him, and what his home life is like if we have the time.”

John nodded. “That sounds fine.”

“Good.” The doctor leaned back comfortably in his chair. “My approach to my appointments with Joseph is twofold. First, monitoring how he is adjusting to his new lifestyle out of group homes - I am primarily looking out for any indication that he might require medical or more intensive intervention. And second, I am creating a safe space for him to express himself and confront his past traumas so that he can experience some healing. Does that sound in line with your goals for him?”

John nodded once more. “Yes.”

Dr. Kreizler continued with his introductory spiel. “My methods are largely straightforward, we sit over there-” he motioned to two chairs near a big window, “and talk. Occasionally I might ask him to draw as a means of expression, or lead him through some mindfulness exercises should he become worked up. Routine and regular visits will help him become comfortable here, so try to schedule around these appointments as much as possible. I understand you’re probably a busy man but even simply giving Joseph a heads up as ahead of time as possible will help.”

John looked from the window back to the doctor. “I often work from home, freelancing, so it shouldn’t be a problem”

“Good.” The doctor sat forward again. “For obvious reasons I require the boy’s trust, and therefore must maintain a certain level of confidentiality. But should I ever suspect that the boy is acting dangerously or at risk of harm, I will notify yourself and his social worker, as well as any relevant authority.”

“Risk of harm?” Alarm began ringing in the back of John’s head. “Joseph wouldn’t… he’s doing fine, doctor, he’s not even depressed, he’s never shown any signs of, of suicidal behavior!”

John had sat forward on the edge of his seat, coming within inches of smacking the man’s desk in frustration. Sara had been so wrong, this was a mistake. 

The doctor’s demeanor remained entirely unfazed. “Your son is recovering from an incredibly unstable time, I’m not suggesting anything about his state of mind but it is a fact that children of his age can have troubling reactions to sudden dramatic changes.”

“It’s not sudden,” John insisted, “Joseph has been with me for a year and he’s doing fine. Better than fine, he’s a remarkable young man.”

“Even still, his social worker recommended he see a psychiatrist for a reason, Mr. Moore.” The doctor kept his voice low, even as John’s rose.

“She didn’t recommend it, it wasn’t her idea. I asked her for the name of someone she had sent other children to.” John could feel his face getting heated. 

“And what prompted this question?”

John stilled, clenching and unclenching his jaw. “I can’t… He won’t let me touch him. He reacts poorly to physical affection from everyone.” 

The doctor stayed silent, allowing John to continue.

“I thought he would get better, with time, once he got more comfortable with me, but…” John waved his hands in front of him in an empty gesture.

“And this distresses you.”

John swallowed. “Yes.”

The doctor stared for an invasively long period of time at John’s face, gathering data, formulating something. After a moment or two John found it impossible to meet the man’s gaze and flicked his eyes downwards to his hands folded in his lap. 

“John,” the doctor spoke his name after too much time had passed, “I understand that being able to receive and return acts of physical affection is a goal you have for your son. And it’s a fine and reasonable goal. But it could take a long time, and it might even end up that it is not in your son’s best interest to pursue this goal. And as a father, you have to be prepared for that." He paused, waiting for John's acknowledgement, but none came. "What I’m trying to say is, it might be wise for you speak to someone as well. I can recommend several qualified individuals who are currently taking on new clients.”

John could feel the tips of his ears burning bright red. Something flopped in the bottom of his stomach, a revulsion at the very idea of sitting in an office just like this and speaking to someone like the doctor about matters so personal and distressing… he couldn’t even picture it without feeling his heart flutter with anxiety. He managed to fix his gaze on the Dr. Kreizler and stated, “thank you doctor, but I don’t think that will be necessary.”

Doctor Kreizler nodded, then tapped his desk with his left hand suddenly and rose to his feet. “Shall I give you a brief tour of the office and my staff? So that you can picture where and who Joseph spends his time with while during our sessions.”

John nodded and stood to follow the doctor. They kept a steady pace while they walked together, and John tried to pay attention to the information Dr. Kreizler was sharing, but found it difficult to pull his thoughts together. It did seem like a healthy and safe environment, and Dr. Kreizler was certainly shrewd. Joseph had remarked that he found the man to be “nice”, so he must demonstrate a more sensitive side of himself when he works with the children. 

It was while John was being formally introduced to Stevie, Kreizler 's receptionist, that was finally able to tune back in to reality. 

“What is your availability this time next week?” the doctor had asked him. 

John took a moment to pull out his phone and swipe through his calendar. “I have this time available,” he confirmed. 

“Excellent. I have to prepare to see another client now but I feel there are still a few things we might benefit from discussing.” The doctor turned to the desk, “Stevie, please update my calendar with an appointment with Mr. Moore.”

John added the note to his own calendar as well, then reached out his hand to meet the doctor’s handshake. Awkwardly, he realized he had extended his right hand and quickly switched to shake the doctor’s left. He might have imagined things, but he could’ve sworn he saw the man’s perfectly professional facade slip for one quick moment, displaying some form of deep discomfort at the contact. 

“Until next week,” the doctor nodded quickly, then turned and re-entered his office. 

John took the walk back to his car to catch his breath. That had not been straightforward meeting he’d been expecting, and suddenly he was expected to attend a second one. He needed a drink, but of course he’d have to wait until Joseph was home and busy playing video games. Maybe Sara was free for another phone call.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't have personal experience with a lot the stuff covered in this fic but I'm not really one for fact checking so hopefully I don't mess anything up so majorly that it impedes your enjoyment of the story! This is my first fic for this pair so I hope it feels in character. Also I don't have a regular posting schedule so you might want to bookmark this one cause who knows when I'll come back to it. But I know the ending and I really want to get there so it'll happen.
> 
> Comments make me write faster!


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